Love and Devotion Letters to my Queen Pt 3

It’s been a long month away from home. The tendency to be overwhelmed with thoughts and desires is real. I feel a tightness in my chest, longing to be home to prostrate myself before her. While I rush headlong into my devotion I have to be mindful that she is still taking baby steps.

I know the idea of punishment is hard for you to understand so I will leave it alone and say only nothing hurts me more than your silence.  I would endure any physical pain to avoid disappointing you and having you angry with me.

   Pampering you, washing your feet. I can’t explain why your feet excite me so much.  Other than  they are exquisite.

I remember watching you walking ahead of me and seeing two middle age guys gawk at you walking in wedges and a shorts/skirt combo.  You really are beautiful.  The thought of coming home for a couple nights and a day has my stomach tied in knots.   I crave to wash your feet. Scrubbing washing and soaping your feet is many things on many levels. It is me being subservient to you and showing you that you are my Queen.  I take great pleasure in doing these things for you. While it excites me sexually it is more than that. It is not something you would otherwise do it’s something I can do for you. It makes my heart happy to do this for you. 

It takes great restraint to not suck your toes. I know it’s not a turn on for you and makes you somewhat uncomfortable.  For me it is immensely exciting.  Anything you do to me with your feet like rub my face with them stand over me while I fixed the sink  to the time you made me cum which was so good it was excruciating. All these things because of my desire to serve you and my excitement to do them are rewards or incentives.  They are the power you have over me. I hope you learn how to use that power to keep me in line and have me serve your every need.  I want to wait on you treat you like the goddess you are.

When I come home next I want to pour you a glass of wine and sit before you and wash your feet.  Dry them and massage them with coconut oil. If I’m lucky you will let me suck your toes.  I would love to slip your tall shoes on your feet and feel them scratch my back as I moved between your legs to eat you.  Slowly with great relish.  I am yours soul, heart and body and you are my Queen

Her reply:

Yes it’s hard to understand but I’m trying. I think we need to work on it when you are home. Talking about it through email may be helpful for you but not so much for me. I appreciate how you feel but I’m overwhelmed with a lot here as is on my own. I have a hard time getting everything done and dealing with everything without something else to worry about when you aren’t even here. I hope you understand. I am trying to be understanding. Love you xo

Love & Devotion~how I love you PT 2

I am bursting with enthusiasm, I want to dive in with both feet and be her everything. It is a difficult balance to separate my fantasy desires from the reality of her willingness and shock at all of this. She is being positive and open its hard not to just explode and babble on to her, She will find her way.

oznor

I can only hope and dream that you will let me take care of you the way I am asking.  The link I sent you was too long and had too many things in it that don’t apply to us.  I hope at some point you understand what I am asking of you and what I am offering you.  As much as you will let me I want to pamper and serve you. From making your tea in the morning to washing you shaving your legs there is no limit. I want you to be comfortable with this.  I adore you.  I want you to feel special and pampered. Allowing me to do this is my way of showing you how I defer to you how you are truly in charge.   All I want is your acknowledgement like a thank you, good job or a pat on the head. Allowing me this is doing me a favor there is no hardship I would not endure for you.

 I want you to have complete trust in me to see through my devotion to you that I am yours. What does “yours” mean is dependent on you.  No matter what you ask of me how little or how much I will always be willing to meet the full measure of your request whether you draw upon that or not.  If you simply want me to be more attentive and do simple tasks that’s where the limit is set.  All I ask is that you direct me to what you want done. I will learn to be better.

If you choose to go farther there are so many things I want to do for you.  Think of me as your spa attendant . I already wash your feet, paint your toe nails. More recently you let me paint your finger nails , shave your legs. Then there is the horrible job I did of shaving your mound and the damage and pain I caused your beautiful pussy.  I deserved a slap in the face for that or any other punishment you find fitting.  You see if I do something wrong I don’t want you to be mad at me and not talk to me. I want you to correct me and do something comparative to my infraction.  No anger no malice and no resentment.  I am yours my heart, soul and body.

There are so many things I want to do for you. There was a time when I would use pampering you as a lead into sex. Back rubs ended on your ass so I could eat you and make love to you. Now all those things are yours without expectation.   I would love to accompany your to your bath call you when its ready wash you shave when required. Wash your hair whatever you want or I could simply leave your choice. Everything really is your choice. You could ask me now to not write another mail like this and I would never bring this up again.  

I want to serve you domestically and sexually without a thought of my needs.  I would like nothing more than have you tell me to kneel in front of you and make love to you with my mouth. You are my Goddess my Queen you only need to ask I am yours 

Her reply:

This will all take time ,there’s things I won’t be comfortable with we, will have to work it out, but I love you so we will Xo

Love and Devotion- Letters to my Queen Pt 1

As I work away from home with limited internet and cell service e-mails are an important way to stay in touch and express something in detail.

Last night’s full moon

Where to start, today I guess.  Today I am filled with feelings of sadness and hope mixed together. I am disappointed in myself for what I have put you through. Daily I carry a tremendous guilt.  There is nothing I can say or do that will erase the past. All I can do is focus on going forward and showing you the love and devotion you have always deserved. How can I show you my sincerity? 

  I have watched a wall being built between us lately. I was taught by my father to be hard working, that anything can be fixed or built if you stick to it. It has taken me many broken, ruined things and countless hours wasted to get a little better each time as I learn.  This doesn’t make me smart it doesn’t make me smarter than you. I am crushed when you bring this up. I believe you are more intelligent than me, with broken things and building I have more experience making mistakes and learning from them.  

  My biggest regret was not seeing earlier what I whispered to you early one morning last month. I laid behind you trying to sort out how to bring us closer together.  Yes I think too much. That being said there is nothing in my life as important as you. After 29? years at this job I am nearing the end of my working life. It hangs in front of me taunting me. Mostly because it means I would never be apart from you again.  My whole work life I have striven to be better at my job to take responsibility to be in charge. Here I sit near the end of my career struggling to hold onto the most important thing as I long to end my working life.

     All the clues, the years of doing things I’ve done to you sexually that are submissive. Not recognizing and resisting you taking control of me. How often have people commented how you bossed me around? I resented it now ironically I crave it.  Just as I have subconsciously been submitting to you, you have been subconsciously controlling me. The problem is while I was doing it sexually in all other parts of our life I resisted. I created conflict. I am done resisting. I will be compliant to your wishes in all matters. That is not to say I won’t take care of things as you need me to or you just chose to have me do them. Now it will be as you wish, in all regards without argument or hesitation.  Have patience with me or just punish me I am yours to do with as you see fit.  

  I don’t want to freak you out of lay too much on you all at once. Frankly some of the stuff in the link I sent you scares me. Much of it I am willing to do for you. I want to do for you.  What this becomes is your choice. From you having no desire to take part in this to full control of me, my actions and my body I am yours.  My love and devotion to you going forward I hope will speak for itself.  There is so much I want to talk about and offer to you.  Right now I need some type of sign that you are willing to explore this path.

Yours Completely J.

Her reply:

This is alot to take in. Something’s could change I’m  not sure what. I need time to figure it out.Love you

The sound of running water

Photo by Oleg Magni on Pexels.com

The shower starts you twist, turn, splash and scrub.

Water runs down the tub and out the drain as I lay and listen to your morning dance.

The water stops you clean the walls, open the door into the cool air

No sounds from towel as you dry yourself toilet flush sink drain swallows you’re in no rush.

I hear the latch the floorboards squeak I count the stairs as you come down.

Which way to turn as you hit the last….. left it is what made the choice I’ll never know for sure

But I hate the sound the water makes taunting me as daylight breaks

Familiar Self

Again I am found with the thoughts of familiarization

Tainted memories of self.

Childlike purity free from self or I is seen as possible but it is fleeting.

I contemplate upon the realization that self is impermanent, not found

When self is sought it is not found, but my thoughts exist, how who is this.

In a moment of thought all this body has witnessed is absent only that moment exists, pure.

When I rest upon emptiness I am free from self, my troubles my joys without regret

Photo by Gantas Vaičiulėnas on Pexels.com

 I am curious about adopted people

We are grounded as we develop through childhood, through examples and the familiarization of past memories with the false existence of self.

We hold that self wrapped in the ground of family and self existence

Torn away by the revelation of adoption everything self was based on is a lie.

How can that self be true if the memories it is based on is grounded in a untruth of birth.

 It shows me that self is a lie nonexistent.

 This body a vessel the self a watcher a passenger separate but appearing as one

Mist and fog clinging to us as false comfort memories habits innate tainting us within cyclic existence

 How can a collection of memories define self had adoption not happened a completely different self would arise dependent upon the experiences and memories of a completely different life.

This cannot be self

Therefore self has no substance no parts nothing to be based upon

If that is true why do I suffer so….

The Pines

 He was being quiet that was never a good sign.  The road was no longer familiar and seemed less traveled since the last turnoff.  She would remember how remote they were later when she had more time to think.

   Finally they slowed and pulled into a dirt lane, narrow and lined closely by low hanging branches and tightly packed evergreens. The brush seemed to be struggling for a glimpse of sunlight under towering pines.  After a few hundred feet the road suddenly ended in a muddy cul de sac barely open enough to turn their pick-up and face it back towards the road.  He ended the silence with a single word “out”. Without a word in reply she stepped out into the cool morning air.  He climbed out to join her grabbing a large canvas sea bag from the bed of the truck. Slinging it over his shoulder with a well practised motion he walked around to her side of the truck.   She stood motionless waiting for some clue some hint why he had brought her to this precise spot.  

 Standing behind her he lifted his woollen longcoat off her shoulders and tossed it into the rear of the truck.  Standing exposed her pale nude flesh quickly responded to the still crisp air. After admiring the exposed curves of her small form it took but a few quick motions with the short piece of hemp line from his pocket to quickly bind her wrists together in front of her. With a gentle motion he pressed his palm into the small of her back urging her forward.

 He let her choose the way for a few minutes her bare feet finding the easiest route.   A quick tug on her bindings and the thud of his bag being dropped stopped her wandering.  She turned to face him and he motioned with his a pointed finger and a tilt of his head for her to turn and absorb their surroundings.   Nondescript it could have been anywhere. They stood amongst tall pine trees the first rays of the early morning sun filtering down to the bed of dry needles devoid of greenery due to the lack of full light and deep covering of fallen needles.  

 Reaching into his pocket his hand returned to sight with her panties from earlier this morning plus a small orange string with too yellow nubs on each end. Holding her face in his hand he drew her jaw downward and with one finger of the other hand he gently filled her mouth with the musky cotton panties.  Nervously she watched as he rolled the yellow foam ends making them into narrow cylindrical tubes before he eased them into her ear canals. As the foam slowly expanded the once quiet sounds of the forest gave way to a much deeper silence.  This was something she had never expected her toes curled into the dry needles as she tried to subdue her racing heart and quickened breath. Thoughts raced through the silence, could he tell how nervous she was, did her traitorous body give him notice of her fragile mental state.  Had she a choice she would have fled but no she was committed now there was no way to turn back.

 He knelt at his bag and pulled a long stake as thick as her wrist and a wooden mallet from the bag. Pushing the sharpened end several inches into the soft forest floor he then drove most of the stake into the ground with a few deliberate blows.   Back into his bag his hand went then he stood in front of her as she tried to read his thoughts without being caught  looking into his eyes.  Dark and void of clues she gained nothing for her risk.  He took the coil of rope he had retrieved and finding the middle doubled it over. Starting at her shoulders he wrapped and fed the rope though itself and around her torso until her breast were surrounded and separated with her hands pressed tightly against her mound by the rope wrapped around her waist.  Using the rope like a handle he both forced and lowered her to her knees the free end of the rope dangling over the stake driven into the ground.  Grasping her chin again her now drew her face up and held her gaze for a moment before forcing her chest to the ground and turning her head to press her cheek into the needles. She gasped at the sting of the needles now pressing into her flesh drawing the earthy smell of the forest floor into her nostrils.  As he disappeared behind her the intent of his actions became apparent as the rope was drawn tight connecting her firmly to the stake.  She felt the rope rub against her thighs then wrap around her ankles. For a few moments she waited unsure whether she could feel his presence behind her or not.   What was he doing…exposed with the needles agitating her face and shoulders she waited fearful to move lest she anger him while he applied some devious twist to this already nerve wreaking ordeal. How long was he going to take it’s been a few minutes? Watching the sunlight move with the branches she could feel the breeze on her skin raising the hairs on her body.

 A short distance away her he opened a thermos and unwrapped and date square from a napkin. Smiling a knowing smile he was now free to allow his emotions to show. Sitting out of her field of vision he watched as she felt the fear of moving without permission slowly be replaced by the fear of being left alone.  She tried to lift her face up and get a view of her surroundings suddenly wishing she had paid more attention as she earlier turned to admire the forest splendour.  Where was he surely he wouldn’t leave her here alone. They had traveled so far off the main highway she would never be found, or would she what a sight she must make bound like this.

 After finishing his coffee and snack he packed up his things and shouldered his seabag taking one last look around he slowly walked back down the way she had lead them so gently in her bare feet quite unprepared for her current situation.

How long has it been it is madding not to be able to hear even the wind?  Shadows of birds flicker across the ground; once a pine cone dropped she jumped startled tightening the ropes against her skin.  She moved her tongue around her mouth trying to stop the material of her panties from sticking to the roof of her mouth without pushing it out and losing it entirely. Earlier she saw some movement in the distance. A small brown rabbit stopped as it passed ten yards away it paused and sat back on its haunches smelling the air in her direction. What could it possibly be thinking as it looked at her nude body kneeling in the forest bound to a stake like a cruel hunters bait for a larger prey. Satisfied that she wasn’t a threat the rabbit slowly hopped away until she could no longer see it.  Where was he, if, when maybe he would return soon.  It had been so long she tried to judge the time only her swollen bladder gave her any indication that it must have been hours.  She was determined she would not lose her last shred of dignity and soil the very ground she knelt upon.

 Little did she know he had returned some time ago.  He sat with his knife and trimmed the lower branches and leaves from a trio of twigs a fir bough, a  birch branch and one small straight oak sapling the thickness of his baby finger. Once he was done he sat and waited he could see from her squirming that it would be soon. Had she been told this morning when he poured the last of the pot into her cup, her third coffee that this was his intent would she still climbed into his truck?  Soon enough she could not hold back at first a dribble ran down her thigh as she lost her concentration. Realizing her defeat was eminent she stopped her struggles and released her clenched bladder. Watching the steam rise up and over her unturned bottom he knew the time was near. He stood and removed his clothes.

With his carvings in his hand he approached her from behind he could feel his own shaft stiffen in anticipation of what only he knew was to come.  Stopping within a easy arms length behind her he stooped to pick up a single pine needle and tossed it onto her huddled body, she barely flinched, he knew it was time.  Selecting the fir bough he tossed the others onto the ground. With a firm grasp on the rough bark he laid the first stroke directly on the valley her bottom made as it met her thighs.

The suddenness of the assault shocked her back to reality more than she would ever have imagined possible. The light fir bough itself unable to leave anymore that a light red caress in its wake was delivered again and again without pause not striking the same spot twice. After the needles had sufficiently reddened her bottom and thighs he began to lay strokes along her flank teasing the edges of her hanging breasts. Her body moved in anticipation of the next blow as if she had some idea of where it might fall. As her motions slowed he knew it was time to exchange the fir for the birch.  Again and again he peppered her bottom with blows the leaves swishing with a music only his ears could hear.  He would soon have to stop as his own need became more evident painfully swinging with the force of his blows.

Pausing to admire the reddened flesh of her behind he traced two fingers up her thigh dragging his fingers through the evidence of her passion without hesitation his fingers found the source. Entering her roughly then back out and upward between the cleavage of her cheeks he dragged her moistness. She was close and she knew he knew.  

If she thought he meant to take her then she was mistaken.  After placing her wetness from his fingers  upon himself he bent to pick up his last implement. Thinking of the time he spent stripping away the bark and smoothing the bumps and knots from its shaft he twitched the switch at an imaginary target before looking back to her kneeling form.  Once, twice three times in rapid secession he laid the sapling across her bottom.  Softly he laid it upon her cheeks only to lift it and again lay it softly again nearby. Four, Five, Six rapidly again she had no time to think between the shots of searing pain.  Tossing the oak aside he half squatted behind her a hand on each hip his shaft pressed hot and hard against her bottom absorbing the heat enflaming his already searing passion. She could feel his breath on her neck as he spoke some words unknown though her silence. Bending his knees he pushed his full length into her in one swift motion.  She opened to him like a blossom to the morning sun. With every stroke she could feel his silent words hot against her neck short and hard matching the rhythm of his hips. His full weight upon her one hand under her mashing his and her fingers into their slick juncture the other on her face holding her head down and breathing in short forceful breaths he emptied what feel like his soul into her clutching womb.  She stiffened and went limp only his arm under her holding her from collapse.

Reaching down he pulled out what little of her panties remained in  her mouth and tugged the thin orange string that that had cloaked her in silence.   After so long in silence the first sound she heard were the three words she need most.

As he pulled the truck out of the dirt lane and back onto the blacktop he looked down at the sleeping form wrapped in the big blue blanket that once covered his seat. He pulled the edge of it up under her chin causing her to lightly murmur a soft sigh and press in closer to his leg.  Dammit if he knew how or why she chose him but he did know it was a choice he would make sure she never regretted.

Top Hand Book

 Someone said to me once, ” there is a handbook for Tops isn’t there? to which I replied ” I am sorry to say there is not.”

What would go into such a document .   Maybe some guidelines on the best implement for each type of bottom. 

 No maybe some ^ secret notes only Tops would share with each other^  .

  No someone would spill the beans and it would all be for nothing.  

 What could possibly be the most important thing for a Top to consider……

 Why of course their conduct.  How simple a concept Surely it must be the first thing that pops into every Tops mind. 

Sorry to say so but sadly it’s true the hang ups and bang ups can happen to you when the Top who is spanking has no care for you. 

   Reality is not quite so laughable.  It seems these days all you need to become a Dom Master or Top of some repute is to join a web site and choose a Nickname.  The more ominous or mysterious its sounds the more experienced you must be. Maybe a shadowy picture with a cat skull and some dusty tomes on a shelf and your all set.  Now where are those unsuspecting victims. 

Well here are a few points you might want to consider before you hang your shingle. 

 Right Understanding. 

Things are what they are. That is not to say they are what you think they are. Contrary to your belief you are not omnipresent 

      Adding what you believe is happening , may happen or should happen to what really is happening will only lead to suffering.  

      No wrong understanding of a situation will have a right outcome. 

     You are responsible for the well being of another human being and your actions will have effects long after you realize that maybe TTWD is harder than you thought. 

Right Intention

 What is your intention, your attitude  What are your aspirations. If your reasons for leading this life are not based on the truth and honesty , if you are guided by ignorance then you will never be content with yourself or anything you do.  If you are not calm and sure about what your intentions are then you should not be responsible for anothers well being. 

Right action Right Speech, Right Method 

The truth of dominance is not self serving, it is not about getting something for you. It is being responsible with your power.  It is about safety compassion and kindness. 

 Lies, gossip, exaggeration all have negative effects. Being honest is skillful anyone can be deceitful. Merit is gained through selflessness if you don’t have  these positive attributes then you are not worthy of trust. It is only through correct actions,speech and methods that you will gain respect..

         My father  told me repeatedly with conviction, respect is earned not commanded.  Over 40 years later I am just beginning to understand that now. If you don’t see the truth in that maybe your not ready to be trusted.

Right Effort, Right Mindset,Right Concentraion  

 This is a lot to think about being a Top is harder than you though. 

 The balance of effort mindset and concentration are mutually supportive. They bring clarity peacefulness and a sense of knowing.  This knowledge is free from anxiety tension and emotional conflict. If you have not developed some sense of fearlessness about your actions then your doubt is probably well founded. Caution should be your constant companion. 

Accepting things as they are.

The hardest thing there is to do is to accept things as they are. It is a hopeless struggle to make someone see the error of their ways. You can show them the path . You can’t make them walk it.  If you are distracted easily by a cruel word or wrong action your thoughts are not on what you are doing. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better having the patience and wisdom to bear with a problem takes great inner strength.  Is that something you can accept?

Being In Harmony

There has been a lot to think of so far .There is a lot more to this than just finding another way to get laid.  If you take the time to do everything right then your reward is the gift of fearlessness. If you have the guts to look at things and not take them the wrong way, the wisdom to contemplate and reflect on life, the strength of moral commitment and the determination to do the right thing. Then maybe you will find the harmony that knowing brings. 

What is important for you to realize is that all I’ve said is not just foolish ranting If you don’t draw some type of realization from anything I’ve written here then maybe you should spend your time looking elsewhere for a purpose in your life. 

 Being responsible for someone means that what you do to them lasts forever.  Are you ready to accept that burden.

Lesson over   ….. Nuff said 

Kicks soap box into center of room 

Long ago in another time

During my infidelity years I identified as a Dom. I kept a blog here on WordPress I had followers, I was respected and my opinion carried weight. Some of those people are still here, flourishing. The posts hereafter are things I saved. Sadly I closed the blog by hiding it and changing the password. It still exists yet I can not access it. It is part of my story. Enjoy .. or not here it is ~ Cruel

My Back Story

At 58 years old and 30 years of marriage I have pushed the boundaries of my wife’s patience. Fights, arguments, infidelities. Throughout it all she kept me, at times not by much but here we are. One morning being the big spoon reflecting on life it struck me. I was fighting her with my mere existence. It was a struggle to accomplish the simplest things because we both wanted to be right. My tenacious unyielding belief in my testicular right to be correct was pushing her away. We drifted through many years of my infidelity and search for acceptance. Well during my epiphany I was struck by all the ways I am and have been submissive to her. Whether it was by her choice or a manipulative attempt on my part to have sex with her I have be submitting to her for years. It was news to me and apparently to her as well.
It started by finishing intercourse with me cumming on her tits. I always rubbed it in playing with her tits until the time she stopped me and said “lick it off no more rubbing”. Next it was creampies, there is nothing that compares to feeling your last spurt of cum hit your chest as a sloppy cum filled pussy descends on your mouth. I’ve cum to the conclusion that pussy eats better after its been fucked.
Next I became an ass eater, after a full body under the sheets massage my go to was to play with her ass cheeks then move in to eat her pussy from behind. Over time with the odd swipe over her asshole it became obvious that that dark treasure was to be my main focus. Now I tongue her ass until my tongue is sore from driving inside her ass. . The upside is once I feel it open when she pushes back I know my cock will slide in effortlessly.
Now after the clue of tubes of foot scrub on the bathroom counter and complaints of sore feet I am her personal foot spa attendant. I scrub, wash her feet, file her toenails, paint them rub cream on her feet, sometimes daily never more than a few days apart. I’m not complaining It makes me rock hard. If I’m lucky she will let me suck her toes for a minute or two. Then rarely with her feet dripping of coconut oil I will lie in front of her and she will rub my cock until I explode. Exquisitely excruciating. Recently while lying between her legs eating her pussy. I complained I wish she would shave it clean again. She sent me for a bowl scissors and a razor. I trimmed clipped and shaved until she was satisfied wth my work then I was back to eating her again. Unfortunately between my enthusiasm and the wine I ate her raw. In my defense I had little choice as she was riding and grinding my face.
You see I was doing all this and we were still drifting apart again due to my blindly being right. So while being big spoon fretting over our future it hit me I was her servant but I was not being recognized or reaping the benefits of my efforts. So with butterfly’s in my stomach and a racing heart I whispered my thoughts to her. I talked of all the things I do how happy it made me to serve her and how that I thought we would both be happier if she accepted the control she already enjoyed. I asked her to take control of our life both sexually and domestically. So here we are my Queen and I figuring this out as we go.

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